Sticky Finger Pads

Don't shake hands with Captain Mucilage. You have been warned.

Captain Wiggly Butt Cheeks proves to be annoying after a while, when the novelty wears thin and after just a bit too much farting.

Captain Untrimmed Nose Hairs once again came in first at the international Glistening Twine Competition, primarily due, it is reported, to his unmatched braiding technique, and also his refusal to "just go away".

Captain Tuna Salad Sandwich has once again been out in the sun too long. Probably a good idea to steer clear for a while, at least until the room is aired out.

Captain Tremulous Twitching is getting on my nerves again. (Thought you might like to know.)

Captain Third-Tier Used Car Lot is...well...you can probably guess if you don't try too hard.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Wondering what else is new.

Misery Loves Mystery

Captain Fred The Almighty has been secretly video recorded putting his pants on one leg at a time, which has disappointed very few of us. Next up, we investigate Captain Tootle and his Magic Nose Flute, and not a moment too soon for most of us here.

Captain Hairy Armpits went to the beach to enjoy the summer weather and kick sand in various faces. Pretty typical for him. (No real hobbies under his roof, it seems.)

Captain Frosty Underpants is shivering again today. Or is it shimmying? Hard to tell with this guy. I'm sitting over in the corner, eating peanuts and hoping to remain at least partly invisible. Wish me luck, or send money — whatever works for you.

Captain Really Unpleasant Body Odor is your ace in the hole — if he lives next door and you need to have reluctant guests heading for the door so you can finally go to bed and sleep it all off.

Captain Rhinoceros-Shaped Apricot Pit is retiring this year at the age of only 43, to, as he says, "Raise a few beans and spend more time playing with my hamster." We do wish him well, in perpetuity.

Captain Supersonic Snot Globules is out on a sneezing retreat this week. Please try again later, after we've had enough time to disinfect the premises, 'K?

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I'm really like that, at least on Thursdays.

Two For One And All For You

Captain Amazing woke up this morning to the sound of bugles being severely tootled by a marching band of wubble monkeys, widely known for their proclivity for tootle-mania. Other than that, nothing else of significance seemed to be happening, and eventually the monkeys all got bored and went home. Just another ordinary Captain Amazing day.

Captain Anonymous can't remember how to get home, and no one sees a recognizable problem.

Captain Indelible Ink just will not fade away gracefully.

Captain Petty Cash is getting all prissy and hissy, refusing to even talk to anyone until all the pennies are buffed to a brilliant shine, and we all submit to a severe scrubbing with an industrial-strength dog wash.

Captain Toodle-OO will no longer be toodling in the loo, which is now reserved for the exclusive use of paid-up members, if, and only if, they behave themselves in there. (No kazoos, please. We're trying to maintain a minimum level of sanity.)

Captain Two-By-Four was out measuring things again, making sure that it all was on the up-and-up, shipshape, trig, square and proper. Then, luckily, he went away and left us the hell alone again.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I'm not really serious this week. Check back in maybe a decade.

Spread Lightly, Spread Thinly

Cream cheese — Creamy but not so cheesy. Does it matter? Someone must know. I don't.

Cousin Claudia died. I wish I'd known her better. I think they composted her. Now it's definitely too late.

Credit where credit is due, as they say, and don't you owe me a few million?

Darnell Todefreek, at your service. Capable at many small tasks, and ready at a moment's nottle.

Dear Sweet Nothings: Please come back and blow in my ear again. I miss you. And your sister, Kinky-Jean, too. But maybe her more. I think I do lean in her direction. She's quite bendy, is she. Bendy is good. I like bendy Jean to some degree of excess.

Deep fried toad — disgusting. Whatever happened to good old snotburgers?

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Not generally a toad nibbler.

Anubis Already, But I Didn't Want To Let On

Do any dead people have fun on the Day of the Dead, or are they just faking it? (I do.)

Do any squirrels come shrink-wrapped? Or even gift wrapped?

Do they have cubicles in Iceland, or is it always the full-size ones?

Does Rolf play golf? If not, it seems inevitable, don't you think? (Cue the sound of vegetables screaming.)

Don't think twice — it's all right. (Unless you think twice and actually catch on.)

Every now and then I used to set fire to myself, just to see if I'd notice, and I always did. So there's that. (It's nice when things work as expected.)

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I'm secretly organic.

Miscellaneous Misinformation

No, Captain Tiddlywinks isn't flirting. He's just like that. Can't help it. Just step back a few feet. (You never know when he'll go off.)

Captain Serious Nasal Dripping has something to say, but won't say what it is, except that it may involve an oil change and also a small amount of vanilla ice cream. Right now we're waiting for his next note to be dropped from the castle tower.

Captain Anonymous started a business. Called it "Random Blankware". No one showed up for the grand opening. Only some flies. He declared victory, closed up shop the next day, and retired. We think. No one could identify him. Not even a lingering smell.

Captain Let Bygones Be Bygones eventually became so mellow that he just turned into butter on warm day, and melted right away. Unfortunately, that was only one short day before the popcorn festival, so we truly and really felt the loss.

Captain Mucilage ended up in a sticky mess, the kind that only gets worse the more you struggle. And he did, and it did. Everyone who knew the score finally just turned around and went back home.

Captain Painful Rectal Itch retired from entertainment after SNL scratched him (circa 1979, I think).

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Haven't quite earned my stripes yet. Not even the cat salutes. At dinnertime. Go figure.

Trees For Sale, Slight Visible Warping

Toothpicks don't grow on trees, and in fact they are not even on speaking terms.

Even if I was a squirrel, I still wouldn't wish to nibble any nuts of yours, probably.

But if I were an orange tree, would I have to bear fruit? Or bear anything even? It seems like just being a tree would be enough to bear, or am I being prissy about all of this? Not that I care, as long as I can snag a quiet bubble bath every now and then.

If money grew on trees, I bet I'd still be too short to get rich.

Is it already that time of year? The scabs have barely fallen from the elm trees, and now we have to do this stuff all over again?

And tubers? Hey. They don't grow on trees, you know. Not around here they don't. We have laws.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Stuck to the wall again.

Not My Real Hobby

Would people like me any better if I painted myself red? Is that the best color?

Wombats never apologize.

Why did "physical education" in all my school years never amount to more than a bunch of kids running around and bumping into things? Me, I learned how to do that on my own, at home, and Mom never made me shower after.

While I was out hiking I spotted a rock trying to sneak up on me. I contemplated trying to outwait it, but finally decided to outwit it by making a run for it. Luckily I'm still fast enough for that, and got away with only a few minor bite marks.

What if buttheads needed to be licensed? Maybe I'd have to find another hobby.

Saw my ex last night, looking like she got the bald end of the weasel. Can't say I envy her any more.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I am a hobby.

Yesterday. Somewhere.

Yesterday was a holiday. Somewhere. Somewhere, I bet. Holidays are all over these days. Sometimes they sneak up on you. Sometimes you can hear them coming. Sometimes not. Two and three abreast lately. And loud. All hollering and hooting. Barfing in the gutter. And so on. Though I like mine plain. Just some melted butter, mostly. No barf. Nothing fancy. And then a nap. I like naps. Naps and cheese.

Yeah, I been in the pet biz from day one. Before the pet rocks even. Back when bubbling slime was a big deal and all. Didn't sell too well but at least it was my idea.

Wow it's cold in here. I wonder if all glaciers are like this, all icy. Sort of damp all over too. And wet at the bottom. I like the color though.

Was awake half the night listening to my bed sheets shifting and whiffling around. So this morning I burned them. Then the fire department sent out a couple of trucks, but I said no thanks, I know how to burn things. So I had a beer and then a nap in the back yard and now we're right on track again.

Two giants munched lunch. I wasn't invited. Or lunch. Some days turn out OK.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I'm now back to living in today.