Captain Hemorrhoid Cream Sales isn't doing too well, financially. So we hear. Can't spend all that much time sitting around the office either, considering his unique situation. (He's never been known to smile, which may go some way toward explaining his dearth of customers, and yet is so very relatable.)
Captain Incredible Oat Flakes can't find anyone who believes in him, and it's not the first time either.
Captain Mismatched Socks On Thursdays gets quite disagreeable if you ask, so maybe stick with managing your hedge fund holdings and just live with the mystery. Mystery can be fun!
Captain Mumbles still refuses to confess intelligibly, so we're letting him go, as soon as he agrees never to talk to us again.
Captain Pennzoil Princess wants to take this moment to remind you that great lubricants can improve your life immensely, and are also fun at parties.
Captain Telltale Armpit Odor has been banned from the church choir (again) for making too many fart noises during practice (again). He's still going to church, still making fart noises, but only during the sermons, and getting more laughs than when he was in the choir, for sure. They can't ban him because he owns the building and is a close personal friend "of God, the main dude, and my prime drinking buddy", he says. No word from God so far, and no sky-farts, so these issues remain unresolved for now.
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Me? Keeping quiet on this one.
