And we should not forget Willow Wipsie. And her cattle prod collection. And she knew how to use them. Wow — did she ever. I believe I still have a few stray scars. Lovely, lovely scars. What a gal. Electrifying.
Melonie Peeblewiffer was my third-grade disciplinarian. I, being an especial challenge, was her only client that year. She used to have at me with long, black licorice whips. It was kind of refreshing, actually, and it kept me out of Tillie Smears's art class where I never managed to do anything other than make an unholy mess, which was what I thought she appreciated, given her name, and being a Satanist and all, and liking dogs, which was the worst part. So when Melonie tired of disciplining me, she put all the used licorice whips on top of her desk, sat down, and sorted them by smell. I think. She did a lot of sniffing anyway, and then slowly ate all the whips, one by one, from the near end to the far end, while appearing to be engaged in a sort of rubbing motion somewhere between her lower self and the desk. I do suspect her of harboring an unauthorized pet in her classroom because I definitely distinctly heard her refer to "my pussy" once or twice, but not wishing to cause her any trouble, I never mentioned this to anyone. Until now, of course. So that put third grade into a class of its own, which was one to remember.
Clytemnestra Stortz. Part-time principal at my first gradeschool (before it burned down). Smoked cigars out on the playground during recess. Enjoyed howling at the daytime moon. I guess she enjoyed it — always was in an especially good mood after finishing both her cigar and her howling. Never saw too much of her until one day they chained her to a post and "burned her at the stake", as the saying goes. That was an exciting Wednesday for us kids, sometime in early November, sort of a bleak-drizzly chilly gray day. And then the whole school went up in smoke the next day. So, whatever. All kind of fun for us kids. Kids really don't need explanations. It's all just fun.
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Me? Ah, yes — I do recall it all now.
