Saturday, December 22, 2018

Nuts

A monkey ate my nuts. My fault, really. I left them in a jar next to the bed with the window open.

I'm thinking of buying a shoe box to keep my nuts in but nobody sells 'em — you got to buy shoes and then they let you take home a box, but I never did like that system none. I just want a box for my nuts and screw the shoes — who needs them things anyway when you got good boxes?

I used to hang with a hamster gang until I outgrew the clubhouse, not to mention the effects of my seeds and nuts allergy.

If I were a hamster, I'd be too big for my skin, and no fur. What's a hamster without fur? Just another naked guy running through the parking lot, I guess, trying to hang on to his nuts.

Guess what I have in my pocket? At least try. I'm clueless. Maybe you'll come close. But maybe not too close. Whatever it is, it seems to have nippers on one end. Might have some eyes too — hard to say from here. Meanwhile I'll hum a happy tune and hope that it doesn't try grabbing me by the nuts. With one of those nippers or whatever.

Fur. Hard to come by on short notice, and when you need it, well, you need it. In case you're wondering, that's what all that squirrel chasing was about, yesterday. Sometimes it's just for fun, so I take my clothes off when I go after their nuts. Seems more fair that way.

If squirrels eat nuts then what happens if I eat a squirrel and thereby achieve my revenge? Eh? Am I nuts?

Left-handed nuts. None on Craigslist any more.

Harvey Crabnuts is my name, and I'm all in for nut butter. I'll walk sideways down any street to get some. My nippers clacking in anticipation.

Fraunhofer lines are of course a thing, but generally I still prefer plain old string. Even mention catnip and I totally go nuts.

Buck nuts.

Fuzzy nut rolls. Not yet a thing either.

And if December has been banned, summer will just arrive that much earlier, I bet, and the nuts will thusly fall sooner.

It's summer in the southern hemisphere and my nuts are already aching from the strain.

Not sure about you but I'm hoping for a bumper nut crop this year. Nothing better than bumper nuts. Nothing.

 


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