No One Really Knows Nose Hairs Like Laura

Ten Thousand Peanuts, laid before Snorfus the God, who actually prefers cash, only lay there, so that didn't work.

Xavier says Hi. He's the new assistant executioner and has some great ideas for improvements around here. He'd like to talk to you. Needs a partner to practice with.

With no noticeable emotion I mailed a whoopie cushion to Aunt Fanny. She's still in Miami, attending the garden pest exposition, is Aunt Fanny. (Also a granny.)

While cleaning I found a used tractor tire under my bed. Strange. I'm sure I didn't leave it there. As I recall I had an elk carcass stashed there in case of societal collapse, famine, rainy days, and more famine, but I could be wrong again. I don't really like rotting elk that much anymore, though the aroma is invigorating.

Under that bush over there? You see that? I don't either. Possibly another deluded illusion caused by urgent females

Twitching tulips — another flower you get nervous about kissing.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I don't admit anything.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Chicken Crossers

Encountered a chicken crossing the road. At least I think it was a chicken. A pretty tall one, about 3-4 meters, maybe more, so anyhow I decided not to mess with it for now.

Encountered a chicken crossing the road. Said her name was Hermione, and she was a stripper, on her way to work. Well I have heard of chicken strips, I guess, but have never seen one in progress. Me, I learn something every day. You?

Encountered a chicken crossing the road. She went from one side to the other and back again, so either she couldn't make up her mind, or it was a double cross in progress.

Encountered a chicken crossing the road. Why this required a motorcycle, I'll probably never know. A pretty slick move though.

Encountered a chicken crossing the road, name of Fred, or Alice (I wasn't listening too closely). Not really going anywhere with purpose, just out for a walk. More of us should try that.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Never touch the stuff.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Captain IEMOPT

Captain Immediate. No appointment necessary. Walk-ins mandatory. Open now. Don't tarry.

Captain Esperanto speaks in tongues so don't expect to catch his drift. Shake your head slowly and sidle off. He usually catches on, but occasionally attacks.

Captain Mediocre can't seem to stand out from the crowd. Any crowd.

Captain Ordinary was checked out by the authorities and found to be within spec — about average for his kind.

Captain Please, now rumored to be engaged to Captain ThankYou.

Captain Thirty-Something is getting to be a bit to old for the job description. Might have to promote to Captain Middle Management or go on disability.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Still in charge of something. Something.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Captain Not-To-Be-Outdone

Not to be outdone by anyone, Captain Mumblytones intends to form a choir, to be called "The Hummers". We can't wait. Literally. Leaving now.

Since when did Captain Automatic require batteries? Not the Captain Automatic that I knew.

Captain Untenable is soliciting subscriptions to support his habit, which is nose picking. He may in fact, as he claims, be the world champion, but so far the money has been slow to begin rolling in, so we'll check back later.

Captain Two-For-One is again holding the annual 50% off sale — get three shoes now for the price of a pair. Something like that. Probably best to call first.

Captain Tenuous drifted into town and almost immediately began to dissipate. Left no trace that anyone could detect, not even anyone who cared.

Captain Anonymous picked up a fresh set of regulation Captain Anonymous Super Hero uniforms, all standard-issue, generic, anonymous uniformoid uniforms. No one can tell who he is, maybe a janitor or something? A billionaire? What? Now he's smiling again, inscrutably as usual.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I can only wish.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Bite Something Today

"Gorky Nibbles" — Doggy bites and favorite Russian snack, all in one package.

"Tremulous Tenderloin" — Gourmet diet grub made from Uncle Wiggly's Gelatin Flakes.

"Harvard Ham Pellets" — Eat and get smart. $29.95 per ounce. If that seems excessive, you're already halfway there. (Note: Price does not include tuition).

"Mom's Megafauna Meat Chunks" — Made from the largest beasts available locally, when in season. Practically indescribable.

"I Honestly Can't Tell That It's Not Butter, Can You?" — Edible grease cubes and lubricating lozenges. Better than Mom's most of the time.

"Beverly's Healthy Bites In A Barf Bag" — Previously unrecycled nutrients that our neighbor Beverly has found and collected locally, where possible. Pretty good on average, but expect lingering laxative effects.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I never eat. Not after this.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Tina's Feelers

Sheila doesn't work here any more. I guess she never did. The only remaining mysteries seem to be who is Sheila and why I am writing this.

Saw troops of monkeys chasing guys in suits. Or was it the other way around? Hard to tell when the uniforms look so much alike.

Saw a big hole in the street. Went over for a look. Not much there except a hole, and not even any free doughnuts.

Rented a porcupine to make wine with. They're just light enough to bruise but not crush the grapes. Mine had diarrhea though. Yeah, another bummer.

Raining today. I know because some of it fell on my head. Is rain white and steamy-warm and stinky and does it come from birds where you live?

Something older than fuzz, found on the Grunder Steps, next to an open-ended surf wrench, has now been declared officially dangerous. Or dangerously official. Or I forgot my notes. How about we try again later?

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I really didn't intend to share this, but you look gullible.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Boodle Doo

Yours is bigger than mine, but not as much fun, especially at home, alone, with lots of ice cream.

Yesterday I thought of something clever. Now I'm back to being a dope. Still ugly too. #MyLifeAsATaillessApe

When will we decriminalize bugs?

Whatever happened to my pants? They couldn't have run away from home, could they? So lonely now.

Torque Treat: Using the included rope, bind victim, twist, tie off, eat cake with beer. Follow up with torrential toast.

My father, a self-taught ignoramus, has now left for parts unknown, with all his own parts.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Holding steady. Holding something. Something squishy though. Not that pleasant.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals