Nobody Cared

I took shop class once but I didn't have a decent place to hide it so I brought it back. Nobody cared.

I have just been hired as the Senior International Political Correspondent for Hostess Cupcakes & Twinkies.

Furballs on parade. (Recently.)

Dust bunnies for anarchy. (Often.)

Ever tickle an angry goat? It's harder than you'd think, especially the recovery. And paying the medical bills. But every now and then you get to lick a nurse.

Found a mess on the kitchen floor this morning. Rather than wasting time cleaning it up, I decided to pave over it.

Giraffes have been seen roaming the streets, but do I care? Just ask. I'm more than willing to talk about this and about many, many other things as well. You'll see. Just ask.

Found a snake in my pants. Very odd. My snake is on vacation this week.

I used to have a brother, didn't i? I think the ants got him. It's not like we never warned him. "Never trust ants." We said that all the time, over and over. Didn't seem to help. If you see him, let him know that we've moved. He answers to "Spot". Likes to chew on bones and so on. Good at playing dead.

Today it's chicken. Tomorrow snake meat, possibly. When the cat is doing the cooking, I just shut up and eat what's put in front of me. I've learned that. Let's not say any more.

Turkeys stole the neighbor's Volvo. I don't know how many times I warned him, but some people just never listen. I used to be like that until sparrows flew off with my entire family of Cabbage Patch dolls. I immediately changed my thinking, but the police didn't want to hear it — said it was too late, and I guess it was by then.

I found Jorge Luis Borges' one-sided coin in the hamster cage. No idea how it got there but was able to coax Squeaky into letting me have it for a handful of cashews and the promise of two days running wild every week. Pretty fair deal, I think.

Just thinking about it all makes me fart with excitement.

 

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Me? Currently covered in sugar, raisins, and cinnamon. Somehow.

Tasty Bits

Today is Monday, which means I'm due for an oil change. About time. I've never really liked the taste of WD-40. Looking forward to a bit of 20-50.

Monkeys stole my car. OK by me — I didn't have a car. Same great taste either way, and I never have to worry about parking, or what the monkeys are getting up to.

After a walk in the rain, I put my shoes in the microwave oven, but they still didn't taste good.

Ate a bowl of granola. Slightly too crunchy, though the granola was pretty tasty.

Breaking news: The hamster who discovered the secret to world peace (which is also a tasty snack and keeps your teeth white) unfortunately escaped into a heating duct before it could be interviewed.

Furry wieners. (An acquired taste, of course.)

God don't like IPA — told me so to my face — so that leaves more for me, I guess. On my end, I never did have much taste for roasted sinner on a stick.

I understand that to be truly happy, one must take decisive control of one's life, but how to do that in a bowl filled with such rich, tasty gravy?

I'd like to ask your name, but all you humans taste the same anyway.

Meatballs have short but tasty lives.

My buddy Frank opened whole a can of worms. Really. They come in cans now. Don't taste any better though.

So my uncle died and I've inherited his fruit cups. He was a fruit cup baron. It's fruit cups as far as the eye can see. Yummy. I'm pooping with uncontrollable delight.

Today they're serving Chinese chicken. In Ecuador. It was a long lunch walk for both of us, but tastier for me.

Woke up this morning with fur in my teeth, and none of it tasted good.

Had toast with breakfast. It tasted like toast. Will have to ask the chef how that's done.

I know I'm not much to look at, but people who lick me say I'm pretty tasty.

The good news is that I taste better than I look. The bad news is that I can't get anyone to lick me.

Still looking for a better-tasting mucilage. The plain stuff definitely lacks, and strawberry — no, not either.

 

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Me? Been crawling through the vents looking for the cat. Found only two or three grumpy dragons.