Never Eat A Necktie

Crunchy Bits, Secretary General of the Secretary General's Secretariat for Prim Propriety Day, is however soggy and wet in the bowl after nightfall. Still a person of interest? Think about it. Carefully.

Did you ever notice how the more things change the more they stay the same? Not with ice cream. The flies always get it. Always.

Everybody gets a share. I have a disease and I see no need to keep it all to myself. Next!

Flatulence has actually nothing to do with tires, I guess. At least I think that's how it works. They don't teach you this in school.

Forgot my pants today. Again. No one noticed until I accidentally set myself on fire, but it wasn't really until it happened the second time that they paid me any attention, so not a bad day overall, but all the seats on the bus were sticky again. Good thing I couldn't dirty up my pants even if I tried, though I did leave a little skin behind when I stood up.

Friends don't let friends who have friends do unfriendly things with friends or to friends, or so I hear. Since I have no friends who are even friends of someone, I probably read this somewhere, or it came to me in a dream, like the one I had last week, even though that one was about the world's richest hamster, name of Fred. In addition to everything else, Fred treated me to dinner and then we talked about nuts and burrows.

 

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Me? Always tasty sweet.

Beast Buffing

"Snail away, come snail away, come snail away with me." Is a line I never fell for. I'm too fast forem, me.

'Tis the season for roast newt. So, I'll be out of the office for a while then.

Ben, my pet Bengal tiger, housemate, and road manager, just ate one of the neighbors. I'm pretending that I didn't notice. Will keep you posted on events, if any, as they unfold. (Also hiding the litter box for a while.)

Cranberry-flavored neckties are no longer available in shades of either yellow or orange where I shop, though they are probably my least favorite anyway.

Fish farts are an acquired taste, if you're into that. Personally, I'm of a mind to regard them as a replacement for friends. And a sort of underarm reodorant. Dip a rag into the tank, wipe your pits, and no one will notice if you haven't gotten around to bathing yet this year, and then they take a few steps back and stay there — no more awkward attempts at small talk, no more invites to join the crew after work, or invites to mass parties. Sweet. So sweet.

Generally you don't fuck with the vermin around here. Remember to salute and always say "please". Do it, but. Sometimes they eat you anyway.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? About the same, eh?

Teefs And Clause

"Cook that egg", she said. "Cook it now! Boil it before it hatches into something with lots of teeth that's gonna come and bite us." But I forgot, which is how I got these tooth marks on my butt, and a really cool pet that's a lot of fun at parties.

Buzz Feature used to be a friend of mine. But he had too many legs. Maybe he was really a bug. Could be. Was never featured in anything. Anywhere. Anyhow, I lost track of him when he crawled under the refrigerator. Long ago. The end.

Buy half a hamburger, get the other half free, unless I get to it first.

Catch the Pig Luncheon Special. Catch the pig and win a free lunch no strings attached. (Cash value, $1.00, Thursdays only, weather permitting.)

Caught a crab yesterday. Trying to steal my car. Pretty sure it was a crab. Pretty tall though, for a crab. Had a beard too. Not sure if crabs have beards. Ever, but. And a beret. One of those beatnik crab hermits maybe, looking for some fun. I was going to eat it but naw. Got punched in the nose too. What did I expect? I don't like crab anyway. Especially not this one. Didn't smell right. So I guess we're good over here.

Caught a rat trying to steal my pickup truck. Not too bright — he should have realized that his feet would never reach the pedals. Anyway, I had a backup strategy. My secret weapon. I don't own a pickup truck. Nurk.

 

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Me? Can't stop scratching butts, some of them mine.

Maybe Time To Reduce My Dosage

Chasing a furball down the street is not working as a way of making a living, unless I'm doing it wrong.

Day of the Dead, eh? And here I thought I could get by just holding my breath and keeping real still. The flies know better, little bastards.

Death is 100% lethal. Only a single, even weak dose is enough to kill a person.

Did you know that cookies and milk cause brain cancer? That's why I stick to cookies and beer, or just beer and beer. Cookies make my butt itch, if I sit on them too long.

Elementary school was a lot of fun, but only for the first decade or so. Awkward after that, to put it mildly, until they quietly escorted me out one day with a minimum of either fuss or embarrassment, accompanied by a couple of shotguns.

For a while today I had fun watching two brown wombats fight. I didn't know that they got so big — must have been a thousand pounds each. After a while I just decided to steal the salmon they left on the bank and go have lunch. Alaska is such a fun place! I hope to see a grizzly bear soon too.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Don't have a dosage. I just chug it.

Could Be Worse If Anyone Cared

Terrible Tina Twight and her principal hench, Tyrannosaurus Tim, fight all comers tonight at the All-Alight All Right All Night Arena of Fright.

Ted was out chasing elephants again. I never could quite see the point of that. Maybe it's something his mother taught him. (Home-schooled, he.)

Tammy came by, asking to borrow one of the wheedling weevils for a science experiment, but she has to return the flamethrower first. We're quite firm on that.

Tammy came by again, asking to borrow the flamethrower again. We have no idea what she gets up to with that, though she was out of luck today, since the kids took it to Sunday School for show and tell. (It's Damnation Week.)

Sue falls, then sues Sioux Falls and fails. Foo. Foo on Sue.

Squirrel tamer wanted. 50¢/hour + free nuts. Non-smokers only. No fur allergies, please.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Wondering where knickers came from. Never understood that stuff.

No Votes Not Never Allowed

The plural of octopus is trouble, especially when they get new running shoes that fit correctly.

The day is gray. Dry and cool. Life has been put into a box. All is quiet again. Oh — did I mention that I died recently?

The best way to check the ambient temperature is to take a bus to Ambia and ask around. Someone there is sure to help you. They're nice that way, temperature be damned.

That small puff of smoke on the horizon is my high school English teacher being incinerated by the natives, most of whom are not my friends and neighbors, though I do applaud their methods. And not a moment too soon. It's never too soon for this sort of event.

Taken in small bites, I'm tolerable, though I do trend toward heavy bleeding.

Suction seemingly stole my shoelaces, silently somehow.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Told you.