A Mighty Hoax From A Tiny Eggcorn Grows

If I had any defecated readers, this would be for them.

By a hair's breath, this could be a tough road to hoe. I'ts even possibly all for knot, due to an alterior motive. Or maybe it's Old-Timer's disease kicking in, something I probably inherited from one of my anisters.

If someone said this to my face we might end up in a bear handed fight because I'd take it as a bold faced lie, and I'd tell him to cease and decease instead of baring witness like that.

You can bet that his chickens would come home to roast and he'd have to come to turns with that. Or end up right in the crutch of the matter and then die of conjunctive heart failure.

But I have to remind myself to curve my enthusiasm to avoid death charges that might be thrown my way. Too many of them and you end up dough-eyed, for sure, at least. And that would require a whole bunch of explanation marks to clarify any far-gone conclusion, avoid financial heartship and flying the flag at half-mass.

For all intensive purposes I would be out of gameful employment, and could get my nipples in a twist over it. Then I might have to girdle my loins and prepare for battle with a taste of granola oil, which would require me to grim and bear it. In lame man's terms though, I would be internally grateful because I'm lack toast and tolerant and can't stand the locust of control being elsewhere.

If it was, I'd even consider making a pack with the devil to hone in on my main concern, which is really much to do about nothing, i.e., no holes barred during an outer body experience, which often occurs while I'm speaking pigeon English and looking for planter warts.

But usually I just play it by year. That way I generally avoid post-dramatic stress disorder as well as post-pardon depression. "Reap what you sew," is what I say, and if not, then ring your hands of the whole deal.

No use standing around soaping wet, holding a spear of influence, trying to spread like wildflowers. Do that and you'll end up stark raven mad, so, for heaven's sake take it with a grain of assault and look out for the invincible hand. It's something you can count on because it's always up to stuff. It's obvious from the right vintage point, and if not, then it's "Whoa is me!", and you're back outside with the windshield factor to deal with, and could be pulled over for wreckless driving.

 

References:

GrammarGasm
GrammarGasm (original link)
The Eggcorn Database
Eggcorn at Wikipedia

 

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Me? Totally non-defecated.

The Day Worms Came Out Of The Wormhole

Mother Chuckles came by again. She still wants to adopt me for meat. Says she licked me when I was asleep and thinks I'd be tasty, roasted, but she's too young to get a meat license (only 12½). So we'll both have to wait for a while.

Speaking of artichokes, there's one out back who's pretty good at doing a cabbage impersonation. Damned if it can't sing just exactly like one — you'd swear to it, you would.

Thought I had read the Communist Manifesto yesterday. Wasn't too impressed. Then Bud had to come along and spoil the fun by telling me that I read only the cover, and there's more words inside and all. No wonder everyone hates Communism.

Pretty nice day today. Warm. Sunny. A few clouds up there, separated by a bunch of that blue stuff as usual when the weather is like this. One of these days I'm going to limber up the big stepladder and go have a closer look and find out once and for all what that stuff is. Sure a lot of it.

Sure, I do get tired of being so smart and stuff, but someone has to keep tabs on whatever is going on and then get out there and tell people how they're doing it all wrong. They never seem to learn. Would be so much easier if they'd just shut up and listen. I know I'm right because I test out everything before sharing it, to make sure it all works. That's how peanut butter and hedgehog pizza got invented. Now you know. (More later.)

Yes, I want to be lonely. Just not here.

 

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And this is all true. So very, very true. (Stuff happens when you live alone.)

Best Regards Aisha Gaddafi

If you want to go fast, run quick like a bunny. If you want to go far, get a bike, but keep the bunny so you have someone to talk to. - RJ Doofus

A foreign accent is a sign of bravery. A foreign accent backed up by a gun is a sign of an American abroad. - Amy Chukbuster

To know what you're going to draw, check your holster, dick. - Salvatore Picasso from Picasso's All-American Pizza

The reward for good work can be more work, but if you prove you're 100% reliable, you can steal office supplies and they'll fire someone else. - Tomas Tootlbug

The invention of the ship also invented the shipwreck, but while engineers designed the Titanic, amateurs designed the canoe. - Virtual Paul, the Monkey Expert

If all I'd ever wanted to do was make money, I'd have invented the printing press, so there's that. - Brien Emo

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. That's what I did and still can't find my way home without using both hands. - Rumi Doodle

On average, bad things happen fast and good things happen slow, but with macaroni and cheese you never know, especially if you expect the cat to prepare it. - Stuart Bugnuts

What I do not create, I do not understand, especially if the cat made it. - Raymond Fonebone

Find out who you are and ask around to see if everyone thinks you're a dickhead doing it on purpose. - Molly Puglitz

I think that tastes, odors, colors, and so on reside in only consciousness. Hence if I close my eyes you should go away. Let's try it. - Galileo (Greg) Galilei, Jr.

 

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Me? Still treading water, but now my shoes are wet. (You never win.)

I's Be Here For You

I'd really like to practice covert surveillance with you for my college course, but how about some cleaner underwear?

We members of the surveillance committee would like to thank you for your involuntary cooperation, and for brightening our long tedious nights with your blithe, lissome capers. We will visit your compost with a slight dampness of eye. So long, eh?

Being watched — better than being clocked? Dunno. Either way, it's something to face up to.

Weren't you seen doing this last week? How about a little change of pace for once? We need a bit of stimulation too, you know.

Had fun painting eyes on all the grapes in grandma's dining-room centerpiece. She got to be pretty twitchy about things like that during her time in the concentration camp, and it's fun to see her go nuts and run for the machete that she keeps in the hall closet.

If I didn't know you better, I'd suspect that you weren't watching me again.

Accept no invitations without prior approval from the Committee. You know who you are. We too! (No, just kidding. We love a bit of intrigue, followed by a good chase with lots of hacking up at the end.) ((Yes, we do know who you are though. Pretty boring overall, don't you think?))

 

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Me? Prepping for the Dust Bunny Olympics, Senior Division.