Recent Thoughts, December 28

1. Ferd got me a Xmas present. It's a bug he found in his sock. I named it for my Mom. She likes it when I do that.

2. So I had this bee in my pants, see? And it said "If you let me out of here I'll never come back", but it was fibbing. It came back right away with its whole family. I just don't have room for all of them. Plus the stingers.

3. So I had this bee in my pants, see? And it kept me awake all night munching popcorn or something, so I moved out. Now I wear only a shirt, and it's actually a lot of fun. #PantsFreeMee

4. So I had this bee in my pants and it didn't bother me none until I sat on it, and now it still don't bother me, 'cept for it's kinda sticky.

5. So I had this bee in my pants, and pretty soon it started fighting with the other bugs and they all made this terrible racket, so I finally had to do laundry. It happens.

6. So I had this bee in my pants, and I told it "Hey buddy, it's either you or me", so now I'm living in the bushes again and the bee has my clothes and a job on Wall Street.

7. So I had this bee in my pants. Not the first time this has happened. Last year it was something with nippers. Don't know quite what but we really had a lot of disagreements.

8. Ham on a stick. Gotta try it. What isn't good on a stick? Except for smoldering bugs and some other stuff.

9. Bought some sparkle repellent in case we have another glitter bug outbreak.

Recent Thoughts, December 20

1. I had a friend who grew up to be a professional Christian. Now he"s retired and unemployed. "Will sermonize for food," he says. Bye, Don. I've got other problems.

2. I guess things could be worse. I could look like you, or be your neighbor, or employ you, though your sister might make decent fish food.

3. BigotFood.com Any color you want. Possible lingering smell.

4. Future foods. Diseased foods. Colored meats. Stinky feats. All on sale this week, for you only.

5. Gross roast toast is not on the menu at Clem's House of Fancy Eats, but I never go there alone so it doesn't matter that much.

6. I found a nickel on the sidewalk, helpless, whimpering quietly. I took it home, gave it a bath, and fed it. Eventually it grew up to be a dollar and joined a gang, stole my cat, and drove off in my car. Now I'm back to counting pennies and eating leftover cans of stale cat food, all alone. There's maybe a lesson here.

Recent Thoughts, December 14

1. I'm now older than Hitler. No one else knows this.

2. Rolf came by again. I wish he wouldn't.

3. I got an email from a friend this morning. I thought he'd been eaten by sharks but I guess I heard wrong or else he recovered. Pretty tough old guy. Never goes anywhere without at least one snake in his pocket. "They make good conversation starters," he says. Plus, most bank robbers don't use snakes so he's got the element of surprise in his favor, and he always has a squeeze bottle of Liquid Ass on hand for those times when he has to demonstrate that he's not afraid to smell like he just might do any and/or every something crazy, and stand back ladies and gents. His name is Walter, I think, or Alf - used to be a professional rose trimmer at one of those fancy eastern liberal arts colleges where they have a lot of ivy on the walls, and flower beds, but he decided that what he really wanted out of life was to be closer to his pet snakes, and got more thrills from bank robbery, not to mention a more robust income than what he made tussling with shrubbery. He'll be flying in next week if the Feds don't get him first. That's about all I know for now.

4. I want to be a professional speed sleeper, but if that doesn't work, I'll take professional speed scribbler, or even dust bunny hunter.

5. Last night I dreamed that I had a cocktail but when I woke up I still had my regular one.

6. For the first time ever I feel like a real man. After my facial, manicure, pedicure, and loofah scrub. I got fired for being a wuss, but only real men get fired from real cannons, which is coming up right after my nap.

7. "Tatiana Hassenfeffer". That's what it says on the card. Came in the mail yesterday along with a bag of fuzz.

8. That gray spot on the front of your shirt? I'm shooting wet boogers today, and you looked like you needed one.

9. One of the quarters in my pocket has a portrait of Egwan Spelmanus, our first trial President. I used to know him before he was experimentally coined.

Recent Thoughts, December 6

1. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, has a new hobby, singeing cotton balls while guzzling wine — singe binges. I'm so sweet on her forever.
2. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, has taken up hunting. She uses a crossbow and stalks dust bunnies by candlelight. We roasted one last night for her birthday.
3. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, had an extensive housefly collection until one of her cousins ate it to get a buzz.
4. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, wanted fried fish but never caught any so she pounded me. Now it's a tradition, I guess. Got fish, send me some, I'm getting mushy.
5. Whenever I think of farm tractors, I think of my love, Echinoia Eeeps. I don't know why. Maybe it's the low-end torque. Maybe the hefty lugs, or the paint job, but something. Whatever it is, it's magical.
6. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, has taken up welding. "More productive than knitting," she says. Now I have a nice armored cage to sleep in.
7. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, requested a sand castle of me, which I recently finished. "Too small," she said. "I want a real one." So I had to enroll in architecture school. After the bruises healed. (She has fists of iron, my love does.)
8. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, made me turtle soup, or would have if she'd managed to catch me, even though she keeps insisting that I will no doubt taste more like rat.