I used to have a friend named Tommy Tourniquet. His mother was the former Sister Torquemada. Some called her twisted, but she got things done.
Had spider webs for breakfast. Sugar-frosted spider webs. I have the spiders in a jar for later. Right at the moment I'm on a low-protein, bug-free diet. Can't wait until it's over, and I don't have to sit and talk to the spiders any more.
Leafy greens were never my friends. Friends don't make you shit like a crazy dog. I hate dogs. Don't even like dog food any more.
Why do shoes have tongues? Pretty kinky, don't you think? (This thought brought to you by Melvin Mortvedt.)
High School cafeteria food — just found some on the sole of my shoe. I believe it's been there since 1967, I do.
The woman of my dreams knows how to lick her glass like she means it. And maybe drink beer through a straw stuck up her nose. If she can handle that, she might be able to handle me. And then there's the licking part to consider.
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Me? Tried the whole "I'm a little teapot, short and stout" thing — not really for me yet.
