Nuttles And Borlts

I tried racing robots in the hundred meter dash, but came in last, again. So, to prove that I'm a gracious loser, I bought them all a pass to the health club showers. Zip! Zap! Zop! Kablooy! Water — very interesting substance, not to be underestimated.

If humanoid robots are the future, then maybe robotoid humans are the future's future, but I'm already there, as everyone keeps telling me.

If humanoid robots replace actual human wait-staff, I won't start eating out, except only my girlfriend. If I ever have a girlfriend. Anyhow — no change that I can see in my life.

So we have self-driving cars, prerecorded pets, robot olympics, and then when do we have self-eating food? And will it clear up my diarrhea?

When I was 10 years old I thought that robots were really neat, and I wanted to be a cowboy, a fireman, and a space astronaut. Now that I'm older I just want to stay home and masturbate.

I hum happily while recharging, and who wouldn't? Who wouldn't?

 

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Me? Getting most of my fun from driving screws.

V Is For Voom!

Valerie Putin, Vladimir's selfie-crazed influencer stepsister. Now approaching your neighborhood.

Vincent van Cut Rate Watercolors, another washed-out artist.

Top of the vegan besteller list: "The Parsnip-Driven Life".

Uncle Fred dropped in for an impromptu, unannounced two-week visit. With his pet musk ox, Shirly. Plus a couple of timber wolves he met on the plane. (Alaska Air Freight, I think he said.) Luckily for him, I have a full-sized circus tent permanently set up in the back yard, complete with its own wolf pen and turd-composing pit, and there's a fresh water creek flowing into the mosquito marsh a bit farther out. And luckily for me, I'll be on vacation this year, and the house is locked inside a 10 kilovolt electric fence. (As usual! I plan ahead! Yay!)

Two monkeys went by. Wearing name tags. "Adam" and "Eve". I think they may be itching for a promotion.

Twenty-seven drunk monkeys v the local school board. And your guess is what?

 

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Me? Got me a new voomerang just in time, I guess.

Know? No.

Where will this end? Or if not where, then when? Or how? And does anyone really want to know?

Where now are those packs of werewolves we used to see on the streets? All working remotely these days or what?

Where there's smoke there's incomplete combustion, and maybe an arsonist.

What's fuzzy, and has four legs on its bottom side, and squeaks if you step on it, and isn't my brother Edward? I can't figure out this one on my own, so please write in, pronto. And use a quill pen, please.

What's the difference between a canoe and a door mat? I don't know, but I can sleep under either. -- Bud the Adventure Bug

What's with all these "Mole people for Jesus", or have they just suddenly decided to be honest about it?

 

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Me? I don't either.

Chicken Snips

Like many of you, I once had a chicken, until it ate the cat and started getting bossy around my dinner guests, so that's why I live alone now.

Met the neighbor's cat today. They seem to be gone lately, and the cat's startin' to look hungry again, too. His name is Fred. Easy, Fred, easy.

Mushrooms with Kerfuffle Sauce: Open Can-O-Shrooms. Drink juice and fry the rest. See if cat will eat it. Fart if you need to. Regret getting tattoo. Repeat as needed.

My first product was "Fred's Whirling Gizmo". Only made people dizzy. Cats did like it though. Some of them are still friends of mine.

My name is Dave and I'm an artichoke. Been one for quite a while. Things aren't always easy but I can be prickly right back, without even trying. And I have a cat. Not many artichokes can say that. Most artichokes don't even have a talk-hole.

My owner said that I can't talk to you unless you bribe me with catnip and promise to give him a tummy rub.

 

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Me? Never done any of that, myself.

Captain Hubcaps

Captain Titanium Underpants will be receiving far fewer dinner invites during the coming season, due, principally, to what some describe as excessive and prolonged creaking while giggling in the corner.

Captain Tuna Casserole always smells partly good enough to eat. Partly. (I won't ever say this again.)

Captain Tuna Casserole stopped by for dessert , unaware that ours is a bait-and-eat operation. Yummy.

Captain Tweezers is, it is true, a picky eater, and also severely under-nourished, if you ask anyone who knows, but that's not our fault, is it?

Captain Wasted Days is out sleeping on the lawn today. He does that. But at least this time he is wearing clothes. Some clothes, according to well-informed neighborhood sources. 'Nuff said about that.

Captain Omnibus is pushing to raise his pay grade. He's only got a tricycle and a squirt gun, and doesn't even need a parking space, so...

 

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Me? More of a tungsten aficionado, myself.

Parallel Wallys

"Better late than never" doesn't apply to death. In most cases.

"Snakes on a Plain" — Pretty uninteresting movie, even compared to the other one. Really low concept. Left me feeling flat.

Did you ever have the feeling that someone or some thing was watching you, and then realize that you're only lonely, and wished that someone would watch you? Or some thing would? (I'm not fussy.)

Do hermit crabs just stay all crabby and always hermitty, or do they sometimes get together and party in the moonlight when no one is looking? Might be a dissertation idea in there. Beach camping is fun too.

Does anyone know what "bright gray" looks like? (I'm monochrome and have to pick out a gender-appropriate wedding dress. On my own.)

Does parallel parking happen in parallel universes, or do they have maybe antiparallel parking or cheese donuts or something?

 

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Me? More of a trapezoid, or maybe just a plain zoid. Yeah. That sounds about right.

Fur Sniffs

Don't tell Mom, but her cat gassed up again, way big. We couldn't catch it soon enough. Last seen floating south over the freeway. No hope of catching it this time, for sure.

Ed left the table "to go take a carp", and then he fell into the fish pond and they ate him. All was not lost though because we got to split his dessert.

"Eider Duck v TRex". An interesting very short story. Won't say any more, won't spoil the plot.

Felony fur sniffing. If I'm never caught I can never even be charged, let alone convicted, so I'm hoping things go in that direction.

Fired up my toad last night and went for a drive around the neighborhood. Exhilarating. It's good being on the small side and also have a toad big enough to eat any annoying dogs that come along. Life, she is sweet for me these days, indeed.

Foam on my toothbrush this morning. Something rabid seems to be using it again.

 

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Me? No. No sniffies. Got a too ticklish nose.