Decidedly Unsure

Captain All Frilly In Lace was discovered to be an actual female person, though it's still true that no one likes the way she smells. Yes, with her nose, but it's the other sense of the word that really has been commanding our attention lately.

Captain Automatic had some new parts installed (at a quickie 24/7 outpatient while-you-wait surgery joint). Now he can perform wonders in the passing lane (without breaking a sweat, I hear, or wind). Must ask Captain Anonymous what I should think about this.

Captain Erratic didn't get invited to the party because he bounces around too much. They're talking about revoking his exercise permit. Maybe then. Give it a week.

Captain Largely Incoherent committed a fairly significant blooper this week, upon making an utterance that everyone agreed was reasonable and modest. He has now gone into hiding until the profound silence slowly dissipates.

Captain Moldy Underpants blames it all on his mother, but won't define "it". (We too remain skeptical. No one has ever seen this "mother" thing.)

Captain MTF Trans is confused again. OK, fine — this is a no-fault gathering of nominal equals, but I'm still not paying for the insurance.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Not really.

No One Will Tell Me What I'm Worth In Nuts

I asked my chiropractor what I should smoke to make me feel better. He said "fish". It worked. Who said that chiropractors were just quacks? Yes, he quacks too, but only when he's in a really good mood. And now the cat and I are too. We really enjoy sitting on the floor together, snacking on smoked fish, and watching old movies. Yeah, so who said that tigers are no fun? (His name is Fred.)

Two wrongs don't make a right, but six or eight wrongs make a felony conviction, under the right circumstances, if committed in a bank while waving a gun around, if you're unlucky enough to pick a bank that has a silent alarm system and a limited sense of humor.

A pile of dead leaves followed me home today. Nothing for it but a quick cleanup job before it got really messy, so I jumped right on it.

Did you ever wonder how life would be if you were a crocodile? I mean, like in kindergarten you got hungry one day and ate all the other kids? Would they send you home? Call your mom in and she got mad and ate the principal and maybe the school nurse too? How would that be?

Did you know that fashion models are not made of plastic? So I guess they can't go in with the rest of the recycling.

Have you ever dreamed of being a disease catcher? Well, your time has come. Due to the recent outbreak of explode-and-die fever, we have several openings, in all salary ranges. Full benefits, including disposition of remains, if any, as you wish, according to your exact specifications. Burial? Yep. Cremation? Covered. Mulch-&-compost? Not common, but we can handle it. Sauteed and stewed? Who else but us? And there are so many more options, like being fed to buzzards, being left to rot in an open field, becoming a carpet of fungus. The options are truly limitless, all in the service of a noble cause, because if you don't voluntarily contract a terrible disease, someone else might have to, involuntarily. Think about it for a while.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Call me Wally — Wally Nuts.

You Never Know

Captain Amazing Parlor Tricks can play the piano with his nose hairs. He asked if I'd like to be on his cleanup team, which would be a great honor, to be sure, though I have a standing appointment to police the cat's litter box, and he gets real cranky if I don't keep on top of that. Always try to stay on the good side of a Bengal tiger is one of my life rules, and so far I'm alive, so let's let Captain Whosis work out the snot problems on his own for the time being.

Captain Mucilage was evicted for a lapse in manners when he liquefied and flowed under the wrong door. And anyway, he was overly stinky.

Captain Nasal Farts still, after all these years, retains a monopoly position on nasal farting.

The talk delivered by Captain Brief Intensity lasted 1.3 seconds, as near as we were able to determine, though we were unable to locate anyone who paid attention during the event.

Captain Twelve-Fingered Toes can count like nobody's business, if you're impressed by that sort of thing.

Also, try not to lick Captain Hairball — you never know where he's been. And mostly you don't want to know were he's from either. Mostly where he's from and how he got here and what you might catch from him.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Never been saluted, not even in jest.

Bush Music

Captain Bushy Nose Hairs came by and asked if I had any shampoo he could borrow, he was all out, but I could still see some foam in his nostrils so I knew something was up. Never did trust that guy. Gave him half a tube of dog wash.

Captain Smelly Butt hasn't come around for a real long time and you know, it's getting so I prefer things this way.

Captain Lawn Clippings thought he had a pretty good deal going I guess, until I caught on to him, and let the cat pee on his new pickup truck a couple of times, so we'll see how he likes that one.

Captain Full Thrust Nozzles has been on vacation for a few weeks, out there bothering someone else and we are very happy back here.

Captain Amazingly Stupid will be coming here for lunch. And we are all hoping that it will be right before we set the place on fire. Got our lawn chairs set up already.

Captain Amazingly Inappropriate Music insists on tootling his nose flute at company dinners. Since he owns the company and pays for the meal, there wasn't a whole lot we could do besides farting along, in unison. Somehow, to our great relief, he ran out of gas first.

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Trying to find a good kazoo mechanic.

Octabulus Has His Eyeballs Pointed Your Way

Nice to see you. According to Wikipedia, you have hair growing in unusual spots, like under your porch, right?

Nice to see you. Are you always this color?

Nice to see you. Can I have your shoes if you die before we finish lunch?

Nice to see you. I've heard about you. Your hobby is selling paint, right? Well, I admire paint. Maybe we should talk about something.

Nice to see you. That's some amazing skin you have, especially the saggy wattles. I used to know a Saggy Wattles. She worked in Accounting.

Nice to see you. The two of us together weigh exactly the same as a large bag of chickens. How about we dance and act crazy and have a yard sale?

 

---

Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Got my tentacles all warmed up and ready to tango.