Recent Thoughts, December 28

1. Ferd got me a Xmas present. It's a bug he found in his sock. I named it for my Mom. She likes it when I do that.

2. So I had this bee in my pants, see? And it said "If you let me out of here I'll never come back", but it was fibbing. It came back right away with its whole family. I just don't have room for all of them. Plus the stingers.

3. So I had this bee in my pants, see? And it kept me awake all night munching popcorn or something, so I moved out. Now I wear only a shirt, and it's actually a lot of fun. #PantsFreeMee

4. So I had this bee in my pants and it didn't bother me none until I sat on it, and now it still don't bother me, 'cept for it's kinda sticky.

5. So I had this bee in my pants, and pretty soon it started fighting with the other bugs and they all made this terrible racket, so I finally had to do laundry. It happens.

6. So I had this bee in my pants, and I told it "Hey buddy, it's either you or me", so now I'm living in the bushes again and the bee has my clothes and a job on Wall Street.

7. So I had this bee in my pants. Not the first time this has happened. Last year it was something with nippers. Don't know quite what but we really had a lot of disagreements.

8. Ham on a stick. Gotta try it. What isn't good on a stick? Except for smoldering bugs and some other stuff.

9. Bought some sparkle repellent in case we have another glitter bug outbreak.

Recent Thoughts, December 20

1. I had a friend who grew up to be a professional Christian. Now he"s retired and unemployed. "Will sermonize for food," he says. Bye, Don. I've got other problems.

2. I guess things could be worse. I could look like you, or be your neighbor, or employ you, though your sister might make decent fish food.

3. BigotFood.com Any color you want. Possible lingering smell.

4. Future foods. Diseased foods. Colored meats. Stinky feats. All on sale this week, for you only.

5. Gross roast toast is not on the menu at Clem's House of Fancy Eats, but I never go there alone so it doesn't matter that much.

6. I found a nickel on the sidewalk, helpless, whimpering quietly. I took it home, gave it a bath, and fed it. Eventually it grew up to be a dollar and joined a gang, stole my cat, and drove off in my car. Now I'm back to counting pennies and eating leftover cans of stale cat food, all alone. There's maybe a lesson here.

Recent Thoughts, December 14

1. I'm now older than Hitler. No one else knows this.

2. Rolf came by again. I wish he wouldn't.

3. I got an email from a friend this morning. I thought he'd been eaten by sharks but I guess I heard wrong or else he recovered. Pretty tough old guy. Never goes anywhere without at least one snake in his pocket. "They make good conversation starters," he says. Plus, most bank robbers don't use snakes so he's got the element of surprise in his favor, and he always has a squeeze bottle of Liquid Ass on hand for those times when he has to demonstrate that he's not afraid to smell like he just might do any and/or every something crazy, and stand back ladies and gents. His name is Walter, I think, or Alf - used to be a professional rose trimmer at one of those fancy eastern liberal arts colleges where they have a lot of ivy on the walls, and flower beds, but he decided that what he really wanted out of life was to be closer to his pet snakes, and got more thrills from bank robbery, not to mention a more robust income than what he made tussling with shrubbery. He'll be flying in next week if the Feds don't get him first. That's about all I know for now.

4. I want to be a professional speed sleeper, but if that doesn't work, I'll take professional speed scribbler, or even dust bunny hunter.

5. Last night I dreamed that I had a cocktail but when I woke up I still had my regular one.

6. For the first time ever I feel like a real man. After my facial, manicure, pedicure, and loofah scrub. I got fired for being a wuss, but only real men get fired from real cannons, which is coming up right after my nap.

7. "Tatiana Hassenfeffer". That's what it says on the card. Came in the mail yesterday along with a bag of fuzz.

8. That gray spot on the front of your shirt? I'm shooting wet boogers today, and you looked like you needed one.

9. One of the quarters in my pocket has a portrait of Egwan Spelmanus, our first trial President. I used to know him before he was experimentally coined.

Recent Thoughts, December 6

1. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, has a new hobby, singeing cotton balls while guzzling wine — singe binges. I'm so sweet on her forever.
2. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, has taken up hunting. She uses a crossbow and stalks dust bunnies by candlelight. We roasted one last night for her birthday.
3. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, had an extensive housefly collection until one of her cousins ate it to get a buzz.
4. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, wanted fried fish but never caught any so she pounded me. Now it's a tradition, I guess. Got fish, send me some, I'm getting mushy.
5. Whenever I think of farm tractors, I think of my love, Echinoia Eeeps. I don't know why. Maybe it's the low-end torque. Maybe the hefty lugs, or the paint job, but something. Whatever it is, it's magical.
6. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, has taken up welding. "More productive than knitting," she says. Now I have a nice armored cage to sleep in.
7. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, requested a sand castle of me, which I recently finished. "Too small," she said. "I want a real one." So I had to enroll in architecture school. After the bruises healed. (She has fists of iron, my love does.)
8. My love, Echinoia Eeeps, made me turtle soup, or would have if she'd managed to catch me, even though she keeps insisting that I will no doubt taste more like rat.

Recent Thoughts, November 30

The room is solid with people, packed, shoulder-to-shoulder, wall-to-wall.

A stray remark.

A sudden peal of laughter.

A pressure wave expands outward at the speed of sound.

The place explodes.

The lone survivor a confused parakeet.

Recent Thoughts, November 23

1. Here comes the food, right on time. Nothing beats clockwork oranges on stopwatch toast, with 3-minute eggs, served at sunrise.

2. The food arrives. Bucket after tray after pail. This pig's life is complete.

3. I calculated the calories I use breathing — decided I could save a huge amount on food if I quit doing it.

4. Today it's albóndigas, preferably not made of cat meat. Or cat food. Or furballs. Or other stuff I'm choosing to be allergic to.

5. Mmm. Moist and chewy. I hope it's food.

6. Ah. Lunch has arrived, its feelers still twitching. This could be interesting.

7. A guy just waved. He's the one who brings me food. He and his staff. They have a cafe. I eat there. Then I pay. With diarrhea. It's in my contract.

8. It's a big day here at the cafe. Food has not only arrived, but it's edible.

9. I tried that Mediterranean diet but couldn't afford the daily airfare to Crete for lunch. #BackToBurgersThen

10. Went to a dietitian. 'It's science!' she said, handing me a bag with a kitty on the side. Now I upchuck furballs.

Recent Thoughts, November 15

1. Winter sky, turning its eyes toward spring. Meat on the horizon treads quietly eastward. Stay indoors. Play dead. Your cat knows how. Just ask.

2. Farm lies quiet in abandonment. Crow eyes me speculatively, recalling its theropod heritage, but I have the teeth this time.

3. I never thought it would end like this. No one does, and why? Teeth in the dark. No way out. Goodbye, hamster. I didn't expect to be your lunch.

4. Haimish Jeebers married Sally Neck Lace for tax purposes and I'm still waiting to buy Lace-Jeebers products. Am I out of luck?

5. If mickel shoobers were a real thing, then what would the rest of us use our imaginations on?

6. Last night ants carried off every car on the block. They'll be back soon for the keys and insurance papers. So I hear.

7. My sister bought a helicopter. She's going to drop gum drops at gum drop drops, but only ones that sell floppy mops and cute printed cotton tops. Next Thursday, if not sooner. Keep your eyes peeled and wait expectantly.

Recent Thoughts, November 11

 

Q: If I delete my Twitter account, how will I know what to think?

A: I deleted my Twitter account, I think.

 

Q: If I delete my Twitter account, will my mind come back?

A: I deleted my Twitter account and I don't mind it.

 

Q: If I delete my Twitter account, will I still get laid twice a century?

A: I deleted my Twitter account and will now take a nap and see what happens.

 

Q: If I delete my Twitter account, will everyone else on Twitter continue to never hear of me?

A: I deleted my Twitter account and still don't show up in the mirror.

 

Q: If I delete my Twitter account, when will my last check arrive and will I get it before my first check?

A: I deleted my Twitter account. Now I'm hungry. Check.

 

Now where should I go for news, information, and noogies? I feel so alone. I feel naked. Might be time to shower and get dressed and get to work.

Phase Changes

I'm transitioning off coal starting tomorrow.

Spooky

Yeah, well. This is spooky, isn't it?

Or maybe it thinks we are, and some of us are.

That's why I hide in the bushes when I hear you coming.

Bay Attacks

Not that common anymore, but possible.

Get a guy wound up, stick his face on a poster, add a bunny, and something could happen.

But what is a bay attack? Maybe the bunny knows. Will get back to you if I find out.

Sad Shack

Purcell Pavilion had a bad day yesterday.

For Purcell, every day is a bad day. Likely tomorrow will be too.

Be glad that at least you are a happy color.

Plinth

Plural of plint, I guess, but what is a plint, and does it hurt?

Maybe if a person tries eating it.

You first.

Sometimes A Day Without Direction

Sometimes it's like that, some days are. You get one and then...what?

Wait.

Just wait for tomorrow.

Remembering You

As if I wanted to, Winter.

Go, go, go away. Come again another day.

After I move, leaving no forwarding address, eh?

Sometimes

I stop and think: Is this who I am? Is this what I want? Is this what I should do?

Then I have another beer. I don't give a damn hoot. Not really.

Two Peckers

Appeared on a door.

And that's the story so far.

Ungh!

Ungh! Ungh!

Want results? Keep trying.

Nailed It!

To The Wall.

But then it broke free. Blue.

Thbbbbbt!

If you're not going to share your smokes.

Then beat it.

Beauty

What you see?

Or what you don't even look for?

Bog

It's like a state of mind.

Not at all like most of Montana.

The other state.

Bog Log

This is another one of those things you never expected to get for Xmas.

And maybe you didn't.

Maybe I really didn't either. Maybe I misread the tag. That could be it.

Bog Hole

I seem to have a fixation with bogs.

Can bogs have holes? Wouldn't the water run out? What about all the little skittery critters? Wouldn't they go down the drain too?

We may never know unless you go and have a look. No, you go.

Blood

OK, there's a word that gets your attention.

(Now what am I supposed to say?)

Bye.

Berm

Good word, berm.

I wonder what it means, and if it really has anything to do with pigs.

Bearing

This has nothing to do with bears.

Unless you know where a bear is, where one isn't, and want to know how to get from the one place to the other. But do you need a compass for that?

Maybe you do. Me, no, not so much. Not at all, come to think of it.

Bear Encounter

Not always terrifying.

Not all bears are furry backcountry grunting bush sniffers.

Sometimes you learn stuff.

Beach

Life's a beach, right?

And then you die, right?

And then what? No one ever goes there.

Bayou

Sometimes, in some places, some things happen.

Like in space, where no one can hear you scream.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for rats. In the bayou. Or something.

Rats are not really all that bad. Really. Bayous — well... Maybe I can get back to you on that.

Bank

Some are like this, some are not.

Well, most are not.

Not what?

Whatever, OK?

Attractive Nuisance

Well, nuisance, anyway.

I'll let you decide what's attractive.

Aspect

If it's only a spect, then maybe it don't mean much.

Unless you're driving at night, in summer, in Minnesota, and then you gets millions of spects, not just a spect, and they're all over your windshield.

That's life, such as it is, in some places.

Apex

Yeah, well, "apex" has many meanings.

Especially among my relatives and former co-workers.

Did you realize that you can spell that as cow orkers? Seems more appropriate that way, don't it?

Animal Unit

If I were a duck, I'd probably never bang my forhead.

And anyhow, really — I wouldn't even have one, would I? And I'd be a nice brightcolor, able to count up to one.

Little Bitties

Amelia added ants to Andy's pants.

And then discreetly watched the fun unfold.

So bold.

Pointy Top

If I were to paint a mountain, first I'd pick a nice wall for it.

And then put so fine a point on it.

Alluvium

I looked through my window today, but the outside is closed.

I guess the sky fell overnight or something.

Time For Some Fluxion

Mom told me to clean my room, I think.

But I couldn't hear her too well because of the gasping. Oh, Mom. Always so much drama.

Happiness Is

Something fugitive, uncertain, fleeting.

But if you're a rock, then having two birdspot eyes is maybe enough.

Watching

Always.

With the patience of stone.

Sun On The Rocks

Sun on the rocks, like wet on water.

So close they're almost touching.

So Far

So far, so distant, so cool.

So what?

Freshygrass

Wouldn't you expect it here, in the sun, in the wet?

But would you expect it to be so...fresh?

Snowskin

Wrap yourself. Wrap tightly.

Then be clean in your fresh snowskin.

Leafs

Put them together and what do you get?

Two leafs, same as you started with.

Toothy Grin

The mountains have a secret.

Somewhere behind that toothy grin.

Bunny Pants

See a bunny? See any pants?

See what I mean? (Don't get too close just yet.)

Sky Says Bye

Winging its way from here to there.

The sky says "Bye!"

Ridges On Ridges

From here to forever.

Asking endlessly receding questions.