The carrots have attacked. (Today only.)
Bought a silk purse. Now in need of a sow's ear to make it from.
Am experiencing vertigogo. (Makes me dance and fall down giggling.)
Have a slightly used hamster for sale. Name of Ed. Also a good eater, moderate drinker but heavy smoker. Could be worse.
Rented a parakeet so I don't have to do my own tweeting cuz I'm a farter not a tweeter. All I need now is a Tweetle account (coming soon).
Saw a snake in the grass. Said it was Donald Trump and had a great real estate deal for me but it wasn't orange so I let it go. (My sister mulched it with the lawnmower — no sense of humor, she.)
Certainty is the only certainty in certain circles. (None of which are found around here.)
All I want for Xmas is a lesbian. (I already have the batteries.)
Tooth decay occurs only if you have a mouth so I'm getting mine remove Tuesday. (Half price every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday.)
This strange shovel has been following me. Every time I turn around, it pretends that it's just digging a hole. I really wish this wasn't happening in my kitchen.
If I were a walrus and you were a bagel, would I eat you? Hint — I don't like soggy bagels. Also, I'm not a walrus. And you're ugly.
Wanderlust is the best kind because if they catch you masturbating in the dining room again, you'll be in a whole new country tomorrow, maybe even one with more agreeable laws.
I wanted to make French fries last night but there's a shortage of French tourists here lately. Plus, my pot is too small. And they all have those really big noses.
I don't like big noses. Because boogers. Never liked fried boogers, but especially the really big ones. Gotta find something else to do.
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