Count Me Sometime, In Or Out

Dance like a fish and don't keep count.

Did you know that people didn't used to go to work at one place every day, for a set number of hours? They did whatever needed to be done, took as long as they needed, and starved anyway.

Random Number Generator — that's my name as well as my profession, and I'm never short of work, but you can call me Fred.

"Never say never", said the refugee from Neverland, who is also a partially-disgraced tax accountant.

Count Threesome has been busted down to Count Lonesome. Snores too much.

I found hair in my ears this morning. Want to come over and help me count it?

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Recently came up for air, and it's still the same here.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Crap Spam

What I Learned Today

 

re: Guest Post Enquiry for your Blog

Adam Brown to me

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Reply:
Dear Adam Brown Spam Machine Bot: Go eff yourself.
Yrs Truly,
Dave

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Just notified by Google's ahole-bot that this post from 2010 violated their contract, so I'm reposting it today.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

All Past History I Guess

Lightning never strikes the same spot twice unless you really don't deserve to live. Mom told me that. Her cousin Toad was hit 47 times one Saturday afternoon while eating a peanut butter sandwich at the park. He said he lost count at about 12 and was more bothered by the indigestion than anything else but we have it all on film so it's official. Maybe it was the peanut butter. I can't say for sure because I'm not really an expert in these matters but I do know that generally speaking, peanut butter is not known to attract a lot of flies, but lightning could be a different story. Mom isn't so sure. Maybe we'll know more after the autopsy but Toad will have to die first, so it could be a while yet.

Professor Popple's Patent Penis Washer — On sale at select locations. By appointment only. Call ahead to learn the magic word.

Grace Period was my kindergarten teacher. My time with her was only an apostrophe.

Hermione Wombat was my 3rd grade teacher, and one of the less obvious of the teachers in my experience. But then I did have only one 3rd grade teacher during my school years. The rest were all much worse.

Saw my third grade teacher yesterday. They were hanging her. Old. She was really, really old. Maybe they had nowhere else to put her.

Twillia Thurmanfinger was not my Grade Zero teacher, but I'm sure that my life would have been richer if she had been. Plus, she dealt drugs.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Closed my school last week — all the parakeets flew off, so what's the point?

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Know The Hand

Found another catnip toy in my pants pocket. No idea what goes on when my hand isn't in there but I guess it's always something or other.

Gotta hand it to the Chinese. Or somebody. I don't want it any more.

I found a handful of worms in my pants pocket this morning. I must have put them there last night and forgotten them. I do that sometimes.

I just shook a guy's hand. He forgot and left it here, but it's dry now. Maybe I can mail it to him.

If you're at the urinal and the guy next to you says that you're a real inspiration and he'd like to shake your hand, which one should you give him?

Met a kleptomaniac today. Couldn't keep his hands to himself, which is how I got this fine new set of fingers.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Pointing at you. Yes, you.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Rogue Veg

I recently discovered that my great grandmother died in 1937, right in the middle of the Great Rutabaga Famine, which swept through Central Europe at about that time. She was in China that week. Fell off a goat. (She had a thing for goats.) Or maybe a goat fell off her. Who can say? (We didn't get any of her recipes either. They were burned for heresy. Goat heresy. It happens.)

Nearly got cooked today. Might have to quit wearing my rutabaga fan shirt.

Rats stole my rutabagas. Might be holding them for ransom. Let's see if I care.

Rutabagas have been banned from Route 66 pending investigations early in the next century, whenever that might be. If the century is not returned for insufficient funds. Life can be so unreasonably stupid at times.

So, rutabagas receive no birthday cards. Rutabagas receive no joy. Rutabagas do not care. So I have been told by experts.

Ruta Lee is apparently not a garden vegetable. News to me at least, but I'm not famous yet.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I'm not either.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

In Case It Happens, I Thought Of It First

Am advertising my fingernail clippings on eBay. Will post photos as soon as anything happens.

As a kid I had a few parakeet pets, one at a time, but they kept getting away. The last one made off with our washer and dryer. I don't know how my grandmother managed to keep hers in line.

As far as can be determined, no one has ever set a record for sticking peas up their nose. Go for it. Be the nose pea champ.

Attack pastry. Baby Sewage. Bachelor fraud. Back-hair cheese. Each has its own special use case.

Been down to the cemetery to lick tombstones again. Still don't like the taste but the other folks in the club are really worth knowing.

Blarva Snarf, bizarre lunch priestess, says blessed are the toads. Bought a "tub" today, tomorrow the "a". First, a little assembly, and then she toots.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Probably not as smart as you think.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Forty Years Without Catnip

Forty years ago nuclear fusion was going to be a thing in under 20 years. Still waiting to get my buns warmed by atoms.

Global warming strikes home. My refrigerator has been ice-free all summer. I'm patiently waiting to see if winter popsicles re-evolve.

So far I'm the only customer. Been waiting for around three hours now. I wonder if they're open today. I just want a glass of water without bugs.

Ted's Tubular Turnips. On sale now. Please buy some. Please, please, please, please. Buy some. Ted will thank you himself. (He's the one over there, waiting for you, with the ax.)

The drums are a-thumpin and the pots are a-bubblin, so I must have come to the right place for lunch. And most of the flies are dead, on the floor, awaiting proper burial, or incorporation into the soup, whichever happens first.

And then the cat got my tongue. Now he just sits across the table and stares at me, like nothing ever happened — his big secret and he only smirks. Wait until he finds out that I've got his stash of 'nip locked in the safe. #AlmostLikeBeingMarriedAgain

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Actually never tried the stuff.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Polish Polish — Is That A Thing Now?

Got my shoes on. Ready for some dancing, whenever the cat wakes up.

Just got a great new pair of insoles. I hope to have shoes soon, if the cat will let me.

Couldn't find the other shoe this morning, so I'm having to get by with just the two left ones.

Ever try to tie your own shoelaces while walking backward? Read the answer in Part II, next year sometime.

Getting near the end. I can tell because there's sludge in my shoes when I get up from praying, which isn't as easy as it used to be, either. Maybe more beer will help.

Grampy's Patent Nightgown Polish and Shoe Remover — it works!

I waited on the curb for six hours to see the cockroach parade before realizing I was there alone, and something had eaten my shoelaces.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Still treading softly. Will add the water real soon now.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Please Assume The Spherical Banana Position

Do bananas make you sleepy too?

German has only one word to describe the time when you're driving along and get really tired but not sleepy, and begin to daydream about having a large weasel sandwich with mustard, but I can't remember it at the moment.

Well, all my things are packed. I need to move out of my apartment overnight so the time/space continuum does not get upset. Last time that happened, all my socks turned pink and grass began growing out of my nose. Very inconvenient, especially when the cat decided to try pooping on my head. We spent a whole lot of time talking our way through that one, indeed. So, in order to keep things running smoothly, on an even keel. I'm vacating for the night, and when I return to this dimension tomorrow I'm hoping that all will be well again, though I will be wearing a cap for a day or two while sleeping near the ceiling, in case, etc.

I almost missed lunch today. My keeper was sleeping it off again. Now I wish they'd just hose down my cage.

Speed sleeping — what's the current record?

Sunday is best for sleeping in, but that's also the day that the cat is most likely to set my bed on fire. Maybe that's why he built this fireproof house. Anyway, I'm just a renter, and it's pretty cheap here, and quiet, plus he's a good drinking buddy and is full of stories from his days at sea, so a little occasional scorching isn't all that bad, I guess.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Brushing up on fruit geometry.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Cap'n Lookee Here

Captain Miscegenation was ejected from the group for miscegellaneous mischief.

Captain Rubber Ducky is currently locked in the bathroom. The sound of splashing water is heard.

Captain Random Acts of Kindliness has been bought by Koch Industries and will be mulched, and then composted.

Captain Impressive Bladder Control is holding on.

It is nearing June and Captain Do Your Own Taxes is once again approaching a state of complete torpor.

Captain Anonymous was to have been awarded a plaque for outstanding service, but no one could recognize him in the audience, or remember just what it was that he was supposed to have done.

Captain Shortstop went long. We haven't seen him since.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Who's asking, please?

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals