Spread Lightly, Spread Thinly

Cream cheese — Creamy but not so cheesy. Does it matter? Someone must know. I don't.

Cousin Claudia died. I wish I'd known her better. I think they composted her. Now it's definitely too late.

Credit where credit is due, as they say, and don't you owe me a few million?

Darnell Todefreek, at your service. Capable at many small tasks, and ready at a moment's nottle.

Dear Sweet Nothings: Please come back and blow in my ear again. I miss you. And your sister, Kinky-Jean, too. But maybe her more. I think I do lean in her direction. She's quite bendy, is she. Bendy is good. I like bendy Jean to some degree of excess.

Deep fried toad — disgusting. Whatever happened to good old snotburgers?

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Not generally a toad nibbler.

Anubis Already, But I Didn't Want To Let On

Do any dead people have fun on the Day of the Dead, or are they just faking it? (I do.)

Do any squirrels come shrink-wrapped? Or even gift wrapped?

Do they have cubicles in Iceland, or is it always the full-size ones?

Does Rolf play golf? If not, it seems inevitable, don't you think? (Cue the sound of vegetables screaming.)

Don't think twice — it's all right. (Unless you think twice and actually catch on.)

Every now and then I used to set fire to myself, just to see if I'd notice, and I always did. So there's that. (It's nice when things work as expected.)

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I'm secretly organic.

Miscellaneous Misinformation

No, Captain Tiddlywinks isn't flirting. He's just like that. Can't help it. Just step back a few feet. (You never know when he'll go off.)

Captain Serious Nasal Dripping has something to say, but won't say what it is, except that it may involve an oil change and also a small amount of vanilla ice cream. Right now we're waiting for his next note to be dropped from the castle tower.

Captain Anonymous started a business. Called it "Random Blankware". No one showed up for the grand opening. Only some flies. He declared victory, closed up shop the next day, and retired. We think. No one could identify him. Not even a lingering smell.

Captain Let Bygones Be Bygones eventually became so mellow that he just turned into butter on warm day, and melted right away. Unfortunately, that was only one short day before the popcorn festival, so we truly and really felt the loss.

Captain Mucilage ended up in a sticky mess, the kind that only gets worse the more you struggle. And he did, and it did. Everyone who knew the score finally just turned around and went back home.

Captain Painful Rectal Itch retired from entertainment after SNL scratched him (circa 1979, I think).

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Haven't quite earned my stripes yet. Not even the cat salutes. At dinnertime. Go figure.

Trees For Sale, Slight Visible Warping

Toothpicks don't grow on trees, and in fact they are not even on speaking terms.

Even if I was a squirrel, I still wouldn't wish to nibble any nuts of yours, probably.

But if I were an orange tree, would I have to bear fruit? Or bear anything even? It seems like just being a tree would be enough to bear, or am I being prissy about all of this? Not that I care, as long as I can snag a quiet bubble bath every now and then.

If money grew on trees, I bet I'd still be too short to get rich.

Is it already that time of year? The scabs have barely fallen from the elm trees, and now we have to do this stuff all over again?

And tubers? Hey. They don't grow on trees, you know. Not around here they don't. We have laws.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Stuck to the wall again.

Not My Real Hobby

Would people like me any better if I painted myself red? Is that the best color?

Wombats never apologize.

Why did "physical education" in all my school years never amount to more than a bunch of kids running around and bumping into things? Me, I learned how to do that on my own, at home, and Mom never made me shower after.

While I was out hiking I spotted a rock trying to sneak up on me. I contemplated trying to outwait it, but finally decided to outwit it by making a run for it. Luckily I'm still fast enough for that, and got away with only a few minor bite marks.

What if buttheads needed to be licensed? Maybe I'd have to find another hobby.

Saw my ex last night, looking like she got the bald end of the weasel. Can't say I envy her any more.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I am a hobby.

Yesterday. Somewhere.

Yesterday was a holiday. Somewhere. Somewhere, I bet. Holidays are all over these days. Sometimes they sneak up on you. Sometimes you can hear them coming. Sometimes not. Two and three abreast lately. And loud. All hollering and hooting. Barfing in the gutter. And so on. Though I like mine plain. Just some melted butter, mostly. No barf. Nothing fancy. And then a nap. I like naps. Naps and cheese.

Yeah, I been in the pet biz from day one. Before the pet rocks even. Back when bubbling slime was a big deal and all. Didn't sell too well but at least it was my idea.

Wow it's cold in here. I wonder if all glaciers are like this, all icy. Sort of damp all over too. And wet at the bottom. I like the color though.

Was awake half the night listening to my bed sheets shifting and whiffling around. So this morning I burned them. Then the fire department sent out a couple of trucks, but I said no thanks, I know how to burn things. So I had a beer and then a nap in the back yard and now we're right on track again.

Two giants munched lunch. I wasn't invited. Or lunch. Some days turn out OK.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I'm now back to living in today.