Family Feelers

If mucilage was intelligent, what might you say to it? Would you work for a business run my mucilage? If so, what might it smell like to work there, and would your family understand?

A family is a group of people you know intimately and wish you didn't.

Bumpers. I don't have bumpers. I was born without them. Runs in the family. We're all like this.

I've never once been bothered by elephants. Mom's family repellent recipe really does work.

Mom never told me that I'd grow up to smell bad. Sure, it runs in the family but it never occurred to me that I was one of them. Maybe I am. People avoid me. Some faint. I believe it's because of my stinky-poo, but in all honesty, maybe I'm just too good-looking and I'm simply too much for people to handle. I also fart a lot. Did I mention that? Maybe not. I forget things. Other than that, I feel fine. Got nothing going on today, so how about we have lunch together?

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Still not expecting much from life. Maybe I'll try something else after my nap.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Od Vuck, Person At Large

If my father had been an aardvark, I probably wouldn't be here today, though if so, I'd likely find ants a lot better tasting.

Do I want to be a father? No. I had one, once upon a time, and don't want to be seen with people like that, especially in the mirror.

If I could be anything I wanted would I be a father? No, and even if being one was required by law, I still wouldn't wear the cape. Not in public anyway.

Once a father, always a father, right? Well then, don't even get me started.

If becoming a father put hair on my chest, how about that? Well, hey, I think I have enough trouble with just my rascally nose hairs to occupy most of my time, thank you.

In the world of ancient Greece, Father's Day was celebrated by exactly nothing. And they were smart, right?

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? I'm actually adopted. I hope.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Yes Cat

I used to have a cat but it ate all the neighbors so I had to move. To a larger city. Because I still have the cat. And cats need to eat.

I bought a web cam to keep track of the cat. When I'm gone he has friends over for tuna and beer. Cool.

If you see the cat, tell him his pajamas are ready. Freshly laundered and precisely ironed, just so. Discharge of one of my duties to Lord Worship.

It was my birthday. Someone sent me a cookie — weighed 14 pounds. Might have been the cat. He does things like that. No telling where he got the money, but he does have connections. Some say he's involved in the illegal mouse parts trade. Can't tell for sure from over here. He's pretty tight-lipped for someone without lips. Maybe that's how it works. At least I've managed to remain in his good graces. Every now and then we kick back and do a bit of 'nip together. Maybe that's the deal. Works for me.

The cat gave me a self-inflating dildo for my birthday. Now I have six, and nowhere to put them.

Yes, the cat did get my tongue. Beat me at poker again. Got my shorts too. And I'm stuck feeding him and doing his laundry for a full six months. Anything. Fine — just so I don't have to lick him again.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Wallowing in the warmth of 'nip addiction.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

You Don't Fool This Woman

My love, Echinoia Eeeps shot a pigeon yesterday. It was a decoy. The real one got away, running down the road swearing and flapping his arms. He had the two left ones and was wearing gray coveralls. About five foot none, 180 pounds, with a short beard. Very suspicious.

My love, Echinoia Eeeps, wants to be first in line to get a head transplant because, as she says, the one on her yacht is worn out. So far I've been unable to get any solid information about this "yacht" thing, or to explain what a "head transplant" might actually be, and anyway, she's likely to just haul off and give me another good pounding, which is what she usually does, so I always keep my insurance paid up.

My love, Echinoia Eeeps, wants to see peace on earth in our time, and as soon as she becomes Autarch, she's going to see that it happens, even if she has to liquidate all the unhappy people to get it done.

My love, Echinoia Eeeps was for a brief time a champion skeet shooter, until discovering that she much preferred slowly strangling them. I never say no any more. Shhh.

My love, Echinoia Eeeps, has time for me. She keeps it in barrels down in the family dungeon. If I can't drink it all during my lifetime, she says she's going to pickle me in it, if I die of acceptable natural causes, right after bathing, and am wearing clean underpants, because when I finally ripen in the tub, I will get fed to the Eeeps Family herd of wild swine, who are quite particular. Fussy, even.

My love, Echinoia Eeeps, is intent on testing the validity of the Second Amendment — she's starting up her own well-regulated militia, after which she's "Gonna get out there and kick some asparagus." I'm actually beginning to have a few minor doubts about my feelings toward her gardening techniques, but of course will not say so. Not a peep.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Treading carefully here. You betcha.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Wood Peckers, Wood Lice, Eat Food, Be Nice

Albino pies. Alibi baba. Alice in Wonderlane, also being famous. Altar eggo. Amanda Panda Janda Wanda Fooby-doo. I like everyone but not you. Fuck off then.

Anhydrous cats, wandering the dustless wilderlands with Anglo Desperado, armored bicycle driver at large.

Bread no longer comes with wheels. Try Brother John's Solemn Unsmoked Salami with frigid chips instead.

Britney Spearchucker, certified parking accountant, full of conflicting personas.

I came here today to tell you all that I'm not resigning, if hired. That comes later, but I did come in second at the big noodle derby and then was disqualified for being less than 98% organic wheat. Poo. So what's the verdict then?

I craved something sweet so I asked your younger sister if she would marry me, right after my all of my divorces are final. OK with you then?

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Blowing smoke. Or something. Seems smoky. Whatever.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Mom Nom

Mom ate my shoelaces. That's what a guy on the street told me. He didn't have any shoelaces either, though he was carrying a bucket of fruit salad, which must mean something.

Mom bought a turkey and told me to get lost. Then I think she ate it. I don't want to go back there any more.

Mom bought a tank. Used, but still...

Mom has been grumpy of late — been laying eggs again, I think. And she's really too old for it.

Mom never let me assassinate anyone. She had rules. Unless they deserved it, so my childhood was less fun than it could have been, though I did learn lots about running a successful crime family.

Mom said I shouldn't pick my nose in public so I went back to letting her do it.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Irresponsible, irreplaceable, irritated. You?

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Bring Your Hat, And A Chicken

Anathema is not a funny kind of anthem and can even cause severe distress if not used properly, or if swallowed whole.

Banana endorsements — what I live for. Acknowledgment from my fruit buddies.

Boll weevils are just one kind, or so they say. There are also tweezer weevils, tweedlee weevils, tiddly weevils, toodle weevils, and luny-tune weevils, to name just some, all of them uninteresting dinner guests.

Carl sent me. He said I could find you here. But he didn't warn me about the "some assembly required" part. Let's agree not to talk about it, please.

Distributed undifferentiated whiffle-dingies. Just saw some walk by, laughing. Don't you love it?

Friday is always a good time to whittle down the backlog of human sacrifices that builds up during the week, even if you're not especially religious.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Very sincerely inept, and feeling good about it.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

The Way It Should Be Done

Pat and Trite, the Obvious Sisters, will be enjoying a light lunch on the patio. They wanted you to know. So you know.

Pat and Trite, the Obvious Sisters, are starting a museum of carpet samples throughout the ages, beginning with the year 1964. When synthetics finally reached maturity. Finally. And when bugs were no longer a problem. So far they have only what they inherited from their Uncle Al, of Uncle Al's Discount Carpet Emporium and Fee-Based Parking, who saw a real future in synthetics and passed along what he called the "Six Squares of Destiny", none of which were samples of actual carpeting, which they all agree only astronomically enhances their historical value somehow. By appointment only, Wednesdays and Saturdays in March if nothing else is happening that week, after the museum opens in the next decade or so, in response to public interest, which is destined to arrive.

Pat and Trite, the Obvious Sisters, are training their dog to bark on newspaper and poop on cue, having misread the owner's manual, but they've committed to seeing it through even if they have to bend the universe to meet their standards, because they are never wrong. You are.

Pat and Trite the Obvious Sisters, have a new line of offspring silencers. Muffle your child in style, only $49.95 each. They also sell Swedish hobbles to slow down over-active youngsters and keep them from running unrestrained through our once-peaceful subdivision.

Pat and Trite the Obvious Sisters, want you to know that nothing in this neighborhood escapes their vigilante gaze, and can provide reports on your compliance with standards of decency going back at least 11 years and six weeks, upon request. (After payment of a small processing fee, of course.)

Pat and Trite the Obvious Sisters, have a new line doorknob merkins in several innocent and colorful patterns to disguise that overly-suggestive bulge pointing out toward the otherwise sedate and proper street from your front door. $39.95 each.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Definitely lying low in this neighborhood.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Pokes For Profit

Acupuncture has stood the test of time. Acupuncture is over 3,000 years old. Since acupuncture is so old, it has to be right, right?

I sure think so.

True, disease goes back way farther, requires no training or advertising, and it's free, but it often hurts more that getting poked with needles, so what do you have to lose?

Right?

Hi — I'm Harebrew "Dick" Pallock, Ph.D. and I want to stick needles into you. It's what I do, so listen. I know this.

The energetic flow of qi through the body follows a specific order. No one knows what "qi" is but it definitely is true because of ancient wisdom.

So beginning with the Lungs, the energy continues its flow to the large intestines and continues in the flowing order: Lungs to large intestine, spleen from stomach, heart to small intestine, kidney from urinary bladder, Pericardium to San Jiao, Puerto Rico, Liver from gallbladder. Got that?

But wait! There's more!

Each organ corresponds with a specific time of day when it has the most energy present. Each organ system has a channel or meridian. Ask any organist — they'll tell you I'm right. Just listen for the toots. Many of these channels correlate to fascial tissue pathways. Using modern physiology and ancient medicine, acupuncture can reduce tension and inflammation, to eliminate the cause of pain and imbalance. How cool is that! (Asking for a friend.)

If you are interested in using ancient knowledge and want to avoid using pharmaceuticals, acupuncture is a great option because I make money from it. Please look at my google business "Dick's Panamanapan Acupuncture" to see review other patient has left. (Just one so far. My brother, but he's pretty honest most of the time, so you should believe him.)

Me?

• USA educated
• Licensed dog trainer in California and New York
• Over 10 years of experience
• Many happy dogs
• No deaths yet
• Specializing in pain symptoms and other symptoms
• Native English speaker
• Fluent in medical Spanish
• Gluten free
• Can provide home visits
• Office just a 5 minute walk from a place very near you
• $50 per treatment, cash
• Free sucker with every visit

Please text or email with questions or answers
Dr. Harebrew "Dick" Pallock, Ph.D.
bollocks@gnail.com
+1 196 967 383129547

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Missed this opportunity too, just like so many others.

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals

Spell Me Once

Spell me once, shame on me, etc.

Hi folks, Dr. Uda Pooda Dooga Noogie here, spell caster at large.

Do you need a spell to succeed? Maybe.

Are you a businessman or woman, a politician or worker? Or someone?

Are you into entertainment without being famous?

Do you lie awake at night without anyone hearing you? What good is the lie if no one can hear?

Do you want to be popular and famous in life and have lots of pets?

So contact me Dr. Uda Pooda Dooga Noogie, Traditional Spellcaster. Me a very powerful and spiritual person, can solve all kind problems pretty damn fine quick. One hundred 100% reliable for positive results of any life problems like hair on tits, etc.

No need to go shopping around I have all of it right here.

My services include:

• Love Spells
• Lost Love Spells
• Divorce Spells
• Marriage Spells
• Good Luck Spells
• Bee spells for spelling bees
• Promotion Spells
• Money Spell
• good job spell, etc.
• Talk and Do
• Do and Redo
• Do do and doo-doo
• Get Your Money Back from scammers spells
• Hells Bells Nels spells

We also have cure for any illness. (I am doctor, see?)

Contact me on WhatsUpDoc at +4 436 410 1837spellmonster23 for more info.

Email : droodapoodadoogatraditional@skoff.com

Remember a problem shared is a problem solved. Bring money, I cant spell that. Need you help.

 

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Have anything worth adding? Then try sosayseff@nullabigmail.com
Me? Recounting my toes. (It's that time of the month.)

 

Etc...

so says eff: sporadic spurts of grade eff distraction
definitions: outdoor terms
fiyh: dave's little guide to ultralight backpacking stoves
boyb: dave's little guide to backpacks
snorpy bits: nibbling away at your sanity
last seen receding: missives from a certain mobile homer
noseyjoe: purposefully poking my proboscis into technicals